Romance is the Most Effective Tool for Self-Improvement

What do you reckon is the most effective means for improving yourself?

Reading a book? Taking an online course? Attending a workshop? Getting a Life Coach?

There is certainly much to be gained from these experiences. But there is something way more effective.

The best way to improve as a person is to commit to an honest romantic relationship.

I add the word “honest” in, because dishonest relationships don’t do the trick. In fact, relationships based on lies can actually make you a worser person.

But if you and your partner commit to never lie to each other, and to proactively speak up when you’re not satisfied with the other’s behavior, mutual self-improvement is an inevitability.

Here’s why

Everyone is Flawed

Each of us is fatally flawed in some way or another.

You’re either an insensitive prick, or you’re an overly sensitive daisy.

You either irritate people by talking too much, or you bore them by talking too little.

You either take too much for yourself and screw others over, or you give away too much and screw yourself over.

There are countless dimensions of ethical behavior, and in any single dimension, you will miss the mark in some way.

And this matters, because your flaws are the source of your failures, and your failures are the source of your suffering. This is why self-development matters.

Self-development isn’t a hobby we do for fun; it’s an essential part of surviving in a dangerous world.

Problem is, your biggest flaws are in your blind spot, so you don’t even know about them. That’s why we need other people to point our flaws out for us.

But who will do this for you?

Romantic Partners Are the Only Ones with Skin in the Game

Everyone does things that irritate the hell out of their friends and family, but these people are likely not to tell you.

Your family is so used to your flaws they just take them for granted. And when your friends get fed up with your flaws, they just leave and come hang out later once they’ve recovered.

But a romantic partner can’t afford to leave your flaws in your blind spot.

First, romantic partners typically spend way more time with us, especially if you make it to the stage where you live together.

Second, romantic partners, through their deep intimacy, are exposed to the worst sides of you.

So they don’t only have more intense experiences with your flaws, they also have no way taking a break from you.

It’s even worse if you plan to have kids.

Your flaws will show up in your parenting. So whenever the thought of child-rearing comes to mind, your partner will inevitably think about how your flaws can potentially diminish their own progeny.

For everyone else, your flaws are annoyances.

For your committed romantic partner, your flaws pose a threat to their happiness.

The Shaping Process

With this sort of pressure, relationships can go in one of three directions.

1. Both parties become complacent and tolerate each other flaws to live miserably-ever-after in an eternal cold war of resentment and vengeance.
2. The resentment accumulates and becomes so heavy that the relationship breaks under its weight.
3. Both parties go through struggle of being honesty and holding each other accountable to improvement.

When I’m talking about an “honest committed relationship,” I’m talking about moving in direction number three.

In an earlier essays, I talk about the process of uncovering your relationship emotions through a journaling process, and sharing them with your partner in a letter-writing process.

This truthfulness puts both partners on the same page, and they start to negotiate which behaviors and expectations need to change in order for people to have fewer negative experiences and more positive ones.

You might discover which of your behaviors/expectations you need to change from a Tony Robbins webinar, but will you be motivated on your own to do the hard work of habit-change?

In most cases, we just stay in our comfort zone and continue acting the way we always act. But for your romantic partner, your comfort zone is her discomfort zone. So if she’s honest and assertive, she will make her discomfort zone YOUR discomfort zone, and now you will have the motivation you need to make real behavior change.

All for the Good

In a previous essay, I discuss how relationship dynamics fundamentally boil down to behaviors and desires.

Each partner has his or her own behaviors and desires, and these behaviors/desires fundamentally make up the individuals world.

Sometimes, when things go bad for us in life, it’s because the world can be a terrible place at times.

But much of the time, the reason you’re suffering is because you’re behaving improperly, or you’re desiring the wrong things.

When you’re on your own, you suffer from your flawed actions and thinking alone. But when you’re in a romantic relationship, that suffering is shared.

Again, if your partner is honest with you, she will tell you all the ways you’re thinking and acting like a fool, and hold your feet to the fire to change. It will be difficult to make that change, but if you do, your life will improve.

Not only that, the life of people around you will improve as well. In fact, this is the fundamental principle I operate under when trying to determine who’s behavior and desire is most reasonable.

The question is this: which behavior/desire will make us the best versions of ourselves, for ourselves and for others?

When you and your partner can agree to what that is, and you both put in the work to get better, then you truly can approach your personal ideals.