Saying “Yes” when you should say “No”

Do you have a hard time saying “no” to people?

Some people naturally have a really difficult time turning down other people’s requests.

Usually, they are highly empathetic and thus feel negative emotion in others more acutely. They don’t want to experience this negative emotion, so they’re incentivized to just say “yes” to things they don’t want to do.

Or, they’re very open and novelty-seeking, and they don’t want to miss out on a potential opportunity.

Problem is, when you say “yes” to things you don’t want to do, you pay a huge emotional price later.

If you do it out of fear of upsetting people, you feel shame for not standing up for yourself. Then you start to become self-loathing, and maybe even resentful toward the request maker.

That resentment can translate into a desire for revenge, which you may then act out through unwarranted aggression (snapping on the person out of nowhere) or displaced aggression (lashing out at loved ones who had nothing to do with the original situation).

Or if you’re the FOMO type of “yes” speaker, you can find yourself overcommitted to projects, and incapable of completing any of them in a way you feel proud of. This too can trigger a cycle of shame, self-loathing and resentment.

Much of the suffering in the world can be traced back to moments when individuals said “yes” to things they should have said “no” to.

There are essentially three situations when you can say to things you should say no to.

Situation #1: You say “Yes” to something you DEFINITELY do not want to do.
Example: Your boss asks if you last minute if you can stay overtime, but you already made plans to meet friends after work. You say “Yes” because you’re afraid it might jeopardize your job if you don’t.

Situation #2: You say “Yes” to something you MIGHT want to do, but you do not want to commit yet.
Example: Your friend asks you if you want to spend a lot of money to go to a concert. You like shows, but you’re not sure if the artist will be worth the price. Ideally, you would take some time to research before making any decisions, but you say “Yes” in the moment because you don’t want to disappoint your friend.

Situation #3: You say “Yes” to something you DO want to do, but you don’t yet know if you have the capacity or resources to do it.
You’re asked to coach your daughter’s recreational basketball team, and even though you love coaching youth sports, you don’t know if you have time in your schedule for it. But you say “Yes” in the moment, because you’re simply excited by the idea of it.

Which of these situations do you suffer from most?

A useful activity is to reflect on all the requests that were made to you in past week, and determine which of them you did not want to take.

Run back the scenarios in your head, and think about what factors led up to your agreeing? Do you see any patterns? Are there specific fall-back phrases you can use to get out of committing?

The goal should be to only commit to things you truly want to do and have the resources to succeed at. That way, you can feel content with all of your actions, and not end up in the same miserable place of regret.